Above and beneath

I have always seen the ocean as a strength and more of a comfort zone, it is wondered by many how could I  see it at a comfort zone or how I could allow myself to love the ocean with great admiration and courage. 

Courage is the ability to do something that could be a possible fear to others but somehow I have a connection with the ocean : it’s magnificent creatures , it’s unknown beauty and its strength. I am one of the oceans weakest links I dive into the unknown with a feeling like no other as my body is submerged as I take a breathe in hopes of discovering new beauty and finding a way out of the life left on shore. It may seem odd but I have almost all the courage at sea but not on shore as my head ascends to the surface it is as if my fears have been reinstilled in me,longing for a new discovery, a bit more time or even just an explanation. 

As I come to shore I have been instilled with a fear of not being good enough, of not having a perfect home or not being the person I am. It occurred to me that I am being bullied because of who I am and because of my fear of not being good enough- I am changing: longing for appreciation and acceptance.It feels as though my courage has been ripped out of me. I feel as if I’m less of a person: the amplitude of the emptiness inside me is unimaginable. I wonder how sometimes I feel like I have the courage but other times I can not even build up the courage as I weep for your ego to un-break me.

It is as when I’m on shore I drown rather than drowning at sea. I devalue myself because: of what people say, yet I choose to drown in my sorrow and change who I am because I would rather hurt myself than hurt you. I know it’s wrong to devalue yourself but without courage is it even possible? Yet at sea I fell as though I’m brave and as if I can take on anyone and I can be who I am but that’s selfish because I choose when I want to have courage and when I don’t . I choose when I want to feel comfortable and when I don’t. The expectations of life horrify me on shore yet the ocean takes those expectations and drowns them. 

The ocean accepts me for who I am but upon shore when my head is above sea level the tension is beyond acceptance as I devour my courage.